Mental Health. "You don't look like you have cancer"
- luceniche123
- Jun 20, 2021
- 3 min read
I find I often push things to the back of my mind, especially if they are too big to process and instead, stress about little insignificant things, it must be some form of coping mechanism, but probably not helpful in the grand scheme of things!
I think that’s why on the face of it, I always appear quite upbeat and seem to be managing well with everything going on around me, but the truth is, it’s just a front. I’m quite good at it now, but there are rare occasions when it all gets too much and the façade slips, this is when I realise the scale of the diagnosis.
Throughout this whole process people have commented, ‘you don’t look like you’ve got cancer or going through chemo,’ which is obviously intended as a compliment and I hugely appreciate it (mainly because I’ve felt, and let’s face it, looked like utter rubbish most of the time!) but sometimes it made it harder in a way, as they could never truly see what was happening inside, the physical, mental an emotional turmoil, of not only dealing with the diagnosis but the hideous side effects the treatment has on you.
I’ve been to some pretty low places over the course of this year. So many people were telling me to talk to someone but all I wanted was for someone to say, ‘you’re going to be ok,’ and of course, nobody can do that, so in my mind it was pointless. I coped well during the day, and kept myself as busy as possible, but the evenings, when I had time to reflect, would be the times where I would crumble. I remember showering before bed, so that nobody could hear me crying, but sometimes there was no controlling it.
I had such support around me, but it’s the overwhelming thoughts that are constantly swirling around in your mind that are difficult to process. I went through phases of anger, anxiety, and frustration. There were times I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone, then other times I wanted to be surrounded with people to help me forget everything.
During treatment it feels like you’re on a conveyor belt, just trying to get through each stage, preparing for the next sucker punch, knowing that giving up isn’t an option. The constant pills, scans, blood tests, chemo and consultant meetings are draining, you almost become numb to it all and feel like you’re losing a piece of yourself with every cycle.
People will tell you how brave you are, but the reality is, you don’t have a choice. I remember reading somewhere that the hardest thing about having cancer is having kids, which I can definitely relate to. I don’t necessarily mean the physical side of parenting, which is hard and tiring, but children sense things, they hear things and pick up on your body language. I think the hardest moments were when my eldest daughter was asking if I was going to die. It literally broke me, and the reality was, I didn’t actually know. The thought of leaving them behind without a mum was my only fear and I struggled to cope with ever feeling free of that feeling. All being said, it was my children that got me through the darkest of hours, when I just wanted to give up.
I am so lucky to have the best family and friends around me and their constant support has kept me going. I’ve found comfort in speaking with people in similar situations and seeing their positive outcomes. There have been times when I’ve felt so alone in my thoughts, but I’ve learnt it’s not a good thing to bottle up your emotions and talking is key. If I can provide any advice, it’s to be open and honest and take the support that’s out there, whether that be emotional or physical.
Lastly, always try to maintain a positive mindset, despite everything, humour has seen me through this, there will always be up and downs, but take the wins when you can. Just remember…. you got this!!
#bowelcanceruk #bowelcancerawareness #bowelcancersucks #nobutts #nevertooyoung #mentalhealth #mentalheathawareness #mentalhealthsupport
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